Lately I’ve been thinking of things I want to accomplish. Maybe it’s me having this fanciful idea that I am more in control of my life than I actually am (not uncommon for me) or maybe it’s just me feeling better and looking forward to the future.
Actually, it’s probably both. I do have this sort of Jekyll/Hyde thing going on in my personality (ask my husband). And life is rarely black and white anyway.
This list is not really for when I’m better, but more things I want to accomplish on my journey. I don’t have a lot of expectations or a time frame. Well wait, that’s probably not true. Somewhere in the far corners of my mind I almost always have expectations and deadlines for myself, but that is what therapy is for.
But, I digress. Here is my list:
- Go blonder. It really does a help a girl.
- Train and do an olympic duathlon. I imagine myself crossing the finish line and having an emotional breakdown (the good kind) because LOOK AT ME I’VE COME SO FAR!!! (and I will mean in the figurative sense, not the literal one).
- Paint that blue wall in my kitchen that I don’t like. Well, I’m not totally committed to this. I just know I’ve been staring at it for four years and I don’t like the color, but I don’t know what color to paint it. I think one day a burst of energy will collide with a burst of creativity and my husband will come home to crabby children who’ve been neglected all afternoon because “TAH DAH!!!” the wall is now a different color and Mommy was the culprit.
- Start a collection of children’s books (and not for my children). Actually, I’m already starting to do this with my own childhood books. Some of them are on my shelf, some exist only on a Pinterest board for now. What copies I do have I will guard with my life because my youngest is currently an obsessive compulsive page-ripper.
- Mat, frame, and hang our marriage vows in our bedroom. Oh, how flowery and hopeful we were when we wrote those words! But at least I can look over at them when we’re fighting in bed and they’ll remind me to shut up and dang it, just say I’m sorry and MEAN IT.
- Have a “redo” on my marriage. Ugh, that sounds so doomsday, but I don’t know how else to put it. There was enough drama before we got to the altar, but since then we’ve had two miscarriages, four pregnancies, two children, and gone back to school and changed career courses. We’ve had lots of fights and not as much laughter as we’d like. Oh yes, and I’ve turned crazy for a while (well, more crazy, that is). It’s time to slow down the drama and get to know each other and just heal and have fun.
- Can I say go to Kauai? I just want to go there, PPD or not.
- Play the piano. I’m not playing right now and God’s gently reminding me my soul needs it, but it’s scary to step into that creative realm with what little knowledge I have.
- Stop racking up medical bills. I’m going to love the day when that line item on our excel spreadsheet has a black number in it instead of a red. It’s not just about the money; it just seems that at the end of the month that number (whether black or red) correlates emotionally to the state of my health. It says something about progress.
- Make a PPD scrapbook. This sounds so weird. I wish I wasn’t using the word “scrapbook” but I’m not sure what else to call it. I was reading this article, and it got me thinking it would be cool to document in tidbits the things that happen (good or bad) during this process and include some pictures, words of encouragement, etc. I am an avid journaler so I guess I’m already putting this season into words for myself and for God, but to me this documentation would be more public. It would be for my kids when they are older and for my 40 or 50 or 60 year-old self to read. Or, maybe my daughter or daughter-in-law will find it useful someday. Or maybe I’m just being redundant because I’m already doing that on this blog, I don’t know.
After this season, I have thoughts of also becoming a mushroom forager, learning how to play the banjo and cello at least relatively well, singing publicly, making jewelry, living on a farm, collecting doll houses, taking good pictures, and writing a book people would want to read. And I’d like Jason to walk me through Europe. Some of these just exist as dreams (because I’m afraid maybe I can’t accomplish them), others are more real to me.
I would also like to buy a house that I can spend years filling with antiques, books, photos, gifts from friends, family heirlooms and things I find on the side of the road or in little shops or in attics somewhere. Actually, sometimes I imagine this house is my childhood home, but I’m not sure how that would ever become a reality.
But, these things are for later or for heaven or for never. Some of them require me to be brave, others require money, time, energy or maturity. For the sake of my sanity, I will just stick to my current bucket list.
Or maybe I won’t stick to it, only God knows. No expectations, remember?
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1).