For me, 2011 can be summed up in just a few words: tired, sick, pregnant, postpartum, sick, tired, sick, tired. And maybe some more sick and tired.
So when I woke up on New Year’s Day in a bad mood, I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised. I couldn’t shake some deep-seated discontentedness. I know this; it usually leads me to anxiety which leads me to a frantic sense of urgency that tempts me to reorganize my house or go out and buy a new wardrobe.
On New Year’s I asked myself “What have I been doing all year?” I wasn’t really sure. I think all I saw was a pile of dirty laundry and some scraps of food on the floor. Apparently not much, I told myself.
And then I let the self-pity come in. It feels good in the moment. It makes me feel like I deserve a lot of things. But I know it will only result in me feeling lonely and it steals from me any reasonable perspective I have on my own life (and I need all the help I can get in the reality department!).
I’d like to say that at that point I ran to God because I knew that wasn’t where He wanted me. And I suppose that was part of it. But I mainly ran to Him because I didn’t want to lay down in bed that night and feel like crap because I had fed my flesh and then let it pour out on my husband and kids in some nasty ways. I’ve been there before.
So I started journaling. And you know what? I started thinking of a lot of things that did happen in 2011. And in the end, I am quite pleased with the list.
- I grew a little girl inside my body and I gave birth to her (and she is wonderful!)
- I think learning how to obey finally started to click.
- I went to Hawaii and came back feeling refreshed (I promise I will share more about that soon).
- I was drawn into deeper friendship with another gal.
- After over three years of wondering what Jason will do next in his career, God gave us clear direction and has opened some incredible doors for us to walk through in 2012.
- I wrote from my heart.
- I took a few good pictures.
- I ate some delicious food.
- I ran a 10k with a smile on my face.
- I nursed my babe for going on seven months.
- I weeped with a friend who weeped.
- I spent some really productive, life-changing time in counseling.
- I tried out a new haircut (even if I ended up going back to my old one).
I know the list seems kinda random, but it was what the Spirit put upon my heart in just a few minutes.
That was going to be the end of my post, but then this morning I had another revelation.
At the time I was cleaning up poop. There’s been diarrhea among us (I know, TMI) and so there I was standing over the sink scrubbing ickies out of pajamas and underwear.
At first I was annoyed and thought to myself, “Seriously, this is what I’m doing right now?!”
But then I heard God say, “This is your Kingdom work.”
It made me realize that what I’m doing is important. This is big for me because I tend to feel like I’m not doing a whole lot for God, or that what I’m doing doesn’t count or isn’t good enough.
But God says I’m doing Kingdom work today and since today is not unlike many other days I’ve had in the last year, I can say 2011 was a very productive and important year!
So I barely rode my bike this year. So my house is a mess and I wish I had more money. So I’m still wondering whose body I’m living in (cause it’s not the same one I had a year ago!). So we’re only now just getting out of survival mode.
So what? I’m doing Kingdom work!