Alright, this is the part of my testimony that gets a bit intense. And probably a bit surprising for those of you who don’t know me that well. Or, like me, you’re just sort of shocked because you forgot about this whole part of my past.
I entered high school much more confident in myself. I lost quite a bit of weight in middle school and had developed some good friendships. Although I was never considered part of the popular crowd, I had a lot of friends and was very involved with extracurriculars like student government, tennis, cross country, debate, etc.
I was also a straight A student, although I always felt like the reason I made it was not because I was smart, but because my perfectionist tendencies drove me to work hard. I was also VERY critical of myself. Both of these heart attitudes have carried onto into my Christian life. I continue to battle against the lie that I have to know more and be more for Jesus to love me. Then I have to battle to believe that if I do screw up, His grace is there for me.
I was also quite the social butterfly, organizing all kinds of activities among my group of friends. Although I came across as confident, inside I was very insecure, constantly comparing myself to other girls–how smart or pretty or thin or popular they were, or who they were dating. I would either pat myself on the back for being “better” than them or I would belittle myself for not being good enough and work harder to be somebody I was not. It was all pride.
I was also an adamantly moral unbeliever, which means I played by the rules I deemed moral since I had no others to live by (except the 10 commandments in the back of my conscience). My parents never had to tell me to stay away from drink, drugs or sex because I decided on my own I would not have anything to do with them.
Some of my sins were disrespect toward my parents, judging others, gossip and slander, and overall self-righteousness. I would evoke my rules onto other people, or at the least judge them in my heart about what they were doing. I guess you could say that I was the worst kind of Christian without the Jesus part. For some of these things, particularly things involving my family, I always had a feeling of guilt, but I never really knew what to do about it.
As a sophomore, I had a brief stint going to a youth group meeting called First Priority that took place during lunchtime and was put on by a local non-denominational charismatic church. Although I do believe that I was trying to pursue God, my encounter with Him there was brief and not very deep.
The first part of my junior year was the highlight of my high school experience. I had tons of friends, was doing well in school and cross country, and had my first boyfriend. But once I reached what I considered the top, things started to go downhill for me.
Although my parents had been struggling in their marriage for at least a year prior, I was too worried about my social life to really feel anything about it. Now it was becoming glaringly obvious. I remember being very frustrated with both my parents when they would fight. I would yell, saying things like “Don’t you see that this is affecting me?!” but I felt like they were not listening. To this day, I still yell sometimes, believing that I’m not heard. Jason has to stop me and say “Why are you yelling? I’m listening to you.”
My dad moved out that winter. Several months later they started the divorce process.
During that time I had my first boyfriend. We had a brief, but very emotionally intense relationship. I felt like we became close very fast, but once I realized that I freaked out and broke up with him. He was still in my group of friends and so seeing him all the time was really hard on me. I took a lot of my anger out on him and I started to get paranoid that my friends liked him more than they liked me. Then he started dating one of my best friends and they didn’t tell me. I was really devastated by this, feeling very betrayed.
Over the course of the next year I remember feeling shame, anxiety and a lot of anger, but I did not cry about anything. It was as if the tears dried up. I pulled away from my friends and family or took my anger out on them. I wanted to be done with high school because every face that I saw there felt like it was my enemy. I was ready to graduate and move on.
Depression came upon me gradually and I didn’t even realize that was what it was until I started to become suicidal. I never attempted to kill myself, but I thought about it all the time and it consumed me. I didn’t think about God or pray to Him at this time. Sometimes I wondered if I would be condemned to hell for suicide, but it was a passing thought that did not evoke much fear in me. God didn’t seem to care about me. I didn’t even care about myself.
One day in February 2000 it dawned on me that all this was not normal. I know that reading this it seems pretty obvious, but it was not to me back then. God intervened and gave me some clarity. I remember sitting in my room and searching the internet for information on depression. I did an online questionnaire that basically told me “Get help immediately.” Strangely, this gave me hope. Maybe things in my life sucked, but maybe something was also hindering me from getting through it.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression and put on antidepressants. It took several weeks for them to start working, but eventually I started to feel like myself again. The only comparison I can make is going from black and white television to color.
For once in a long time I finally felt like getting out of bed in the morning. And that’s what God used to get me to church. But that’s for next time.
